What Does Your Lonely Look Like?

What does loneliness look like? We might think of someone curled up and forlorn, looking out into the distance as if hoping to see a possible companion. In my experience, however, loneliness is not so easy to spot. It would be easy to say that every person who is alone is lonely, but there are tons of people who are just peachy on their own. A lonely person might be buried in a crowd of friends, drinking margaritas at a bar and laughing. A lonely person might be married or in a relationship – they might seem truly content. Yes, a lonely person might not even seem sad, but inside, they are yearning for company. Not just anybody, but someone with whom they can make a genuine human connection – something that is incredibly rare. So why does our society treat loneliness as something to be ashamed of when it’s so commonplace? We all get lonely, but no one wants to admit it!After I graduated from college I was lonely. I only had a few friends from school that I really wanted to stay in touch with and they were scattered all over the country. I still had some high school friends, but we were all so busy trying to figure out how to be adults that hanging out at the mall like we used to after school was quite out of the question. I was really determined not to let my degree in English and Art History go to waste, even though all of the statistics said that it would. I was cooped up in my childhood bedroom under my parents’ vigilant watch once again. On my Facebook, I saw people from my graduating class traveling across Europe for a final hurrah or already talking about grad school. It seemed like it was just lonely-old-loser me whose life had reverted to an emptier version of the past.  It was hard to go from a college campus where I could see friends at every meal and study session to being unemployed and languishing with only my expansive collection of books to keep me company. Not that I’m trying to diss books, but humans would have been nice!So How Do We Combat Loneliness?AcceptanceAs a self-proclaimed introvert, I don’t like admitting to loneliness. If anyone asks if I’m lonely, I’ll say “No! I just like my alone time!” and I do, but I’m only human and being social is good for our mental health. We aren’t made to exist as islands, so we might as well just admit this simple fact to ourselves!Reaching OutI am notoriously hard to keep in touch with. If you ask about my life goals, I might just tell you about my dream of living in a remote cottage in the English countryside with a dog and an English garden (that’s it). So maybe I’m actually preparing for this life goal with my inability to keep in touch. Sure, add me on Facebook, but that’s no guarantee that you’ll ever hear from me again. Or at least that’s how I used to be.  Spoken Black Girl has pushed me out of my hermit-in-training habits, so you actually might hear from me now if you add me on Facebook (which you should), but my point is that it’s important to be able to reach out to people when you’re lonely. Get in touch with someone that you like and trust. I know that it seems like a leap. I know that you’re giving yourself every reason and excuse about why you don’t want to get in touch with _____ or why they won’t want to hear from you. This line of thought usually comes from us devaluing ourselves - we don't think that we are worthy of other people, but frankly, we should be more concerned about whether others are worthy of us!  I always doubt that friendships can survive long distance, or through social media, but they definitely can! Speaking of which…Internet Friends Are RealI used to watch shows like Catfish and think that there were only creeps and liars on the internet, and there definitely are creeps and liars on the internet BUT, there are some really cool people too! I’ve met some people online (including some of you readers) that I have more in common with than some friends I’ve had in real life! I’m not saying that you should just tell any old body on Twitter your deepest secrets, but I am saying that you should find your tribe online if you're having difficulty finding people in real life! There is no shame!Put Yourself Out ThereEven typing those words strikes fear into my heart! Out there? Out where?! I’ll stay at home with snacks and Netflix, thank you very much!Okay, just hear me out.Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zones in order to vanquish loneliness. Try going on Meetup.com or joining a new club or activity. Getting yourself to go to the first meeting will be the hardest part. But I bet you’ll meet a few people that you like and maybe you’ll even keep in touch! As I write this, I’m reminded of the voucher for a free yoga class that I have in my purse. I got it a few weeks ago, but I’ve been too nervous to go. Let’s make a deal, you tell me one thing you’ve done in the past month to conquer loneliness and I’ll get it together and go to this class. I'll put photographic evidence up on Instagram. Let’s conquer loneliness together!