Time to Revise
Last November, on the day before my birthday, I finished writing the first draft of my novel. As I typed the last words, I felt a combination of exhilaration and relief. I'd just written tens of thousands of words and somehow I had been able to bring the sprawling document to a logical conclusion. This was an epic achievement. Few who say they will write a book actually do and I could now count myself as one of the few. Well, sort of.
What now?!
"Sure, the first draft is done, but what's next?" I asked myself. The task of revision seemed even more daunting than writing the book.I told myself I would look at it again in the new year. In the meanwhile, I thought over the story. It's a book about a young girl from a troubled family in Guyana who wins a scholarship to a liberal arts school in the US and becomes an unlikely leader on campus. I based the novel on my Guyanese heritage as well as my experiences attending Kenyon College in middle of nowhere Ohio. My aim is to highlight the stories of Caribbean women, examine American politics through the lens of immigration, and of course, poke fun at white liberal higher education institutions where a range of social ills are hidden beneath idyllic campus charm. The new year came and went. Days passed, weeks passed, with every hour my anxiety over beginning my revisions grew. I didn't want to look at it. What if I read it back and it was bad?Most authors can probably relate to wanting to puke a few times while reading a first draft, and I am no different. As usual, I turned this dilemma into another chapter in my mental/ spiritual journey. Was it the manuscript itself I was afraid of or the girl who had started writing it all those years ago?I started writing this work about four years ago. It started with a quick passage in my journal about a girl from the Caribbean trying to figure out the difference between wining and grinding. I created a character, Celestine, who in many ways was the better version of me. She's Guyanese-er than me (my parents are from Guyana, but I was born and raised in NYC). She doesn't let the pressures of racism and sexism on campus crush her. I didn't either. After all, I did survive and get my degree. But Celestine is bolder than me and intentional about making an impact against all odds.When I wrote the first few chapters of the book, I was still jaded and damaged from those years. I was angry about things that had happened to me on campus. As a relatively sheltered New York City kid, growing up I was exposed to lots of diversity but I knew next to nothing about drinking, partying or hooking up. You can imagine the culture shock I went through as one of the handful of black students on campus, still naive about the world. Nothing hurts more than having that naivete ripped away. If you know anything about my story, my experiences at school prompted me to start blogging about mental health under the name Spoken Black Girl years later.Needless to say, the anger pours off of the first few pages of the manuscript. I didn't want to look at it because I didn't want to see that broken girl again, but I had to. She is part of my journey.
Fear of Success
Starting the revision process means changes will be made. There will be a second draft, an editor, an agent, rejections, and a million other obstacles. With every stage of the process, the stakes will grow higher. With every step, there is a chance that my little manuscript could be something. My dream could come true. There is a possibility that I could see my book on the New and Noteworthy table at Barnes and Noble. Typing this now, it seems ridiculous, but as a writer, I firmly believe that words are wands and that every written declaration has the potential for truth. When we choose to delay our dreams, we are really just afraid of ourselves and how powerful we might be. Failure is easier to stomach than worthiness. Reaching your own personal definition of success means releasing the doubts and insecurities that have become comfortable. If you try and try and finally succeed, you will have to accept the fact that you are an extraordinary being. There is no going back.
Are any of my fellow readers also authors? How did you go about revising your first draft?