Boundaries and the Power of "No"
For years, I had a limited understanding of personal boundaries. The word "boundaries" sounds so hard. It brings to mind images of walls and barb-wire fences, structures meant to enclose and isolate. Only recently has it occurred to me that boundaries might serve to protect and preserve as well.
So, what is a personal boundary?
The boundaries that I'm referring to exist in the everyday decisions we make about what we will allow to influence our lives. According to Essential Life Skills, "Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others."Establishing personal boundaries means acknowledging that we are all unique individuals with specific needs and preferences, enforcing these needs, and being clear in communicating them.If you don't have the self-worth to enforce these boundaries, they're basically useless. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar to you?
- You know your services are worth X but you're accepting Y for the sake of being nice.
- You hate to be touched by strangers, but when someone invades your personal space, you shrug it off or internalize the anger that comes from your personal boundary being violated.
- You need X many hours of sleep to function properly the next day, but you've agreed to do a project that will keep you up all night.
- You put yourself last and prioritize everyone else in your life, leaving you feeling drained and the quality of your relationships still lacking.
- You assume that others are aware of your needs even though you never communicated them and you are hurt or angered when those needs are not met.
- You violate other people's personal boundaries, assuming that they don't have boundaries either!
If this sounds like you, you may not have strong personal boundaries. This can affect your personal life, your professional life, and most importantly, your relationship with yourself. Self-love can only grow in a safe space, protected by boundaries.
Learn How to Say "No"
It's okay to say "no" sometimes. I actually appreciate it when people are upfront about their inability to complete a task or fulfill an obligation. It's better than doing a poor job, missing a deadline and potentially damaging a relationship.
Communication is Key
Although some people might be more compassionate or intuitive than others, you can't expect anyone to read your mind. Speak up when your needs are not being met.
Follow your Intuition
If a person, place or situation feels "off" to you, chances are you probably don't need it in your life. Far too often, we ignore our gut feelings and force ourselves to tolerate situations that drain us. You have an innate understanding of what's best for you. Be still and listen to your heart.Everyone's boundaries will be different. I suggest journaling to open up a conversation with yourself and find out what boundaries you need to feel happy, safe, and secure.