Transmuting Triggers

“Triggered” is a favorite phrase among my generation, the millennials. We have popularized therapy and and we’re aware of mental health. We know our trauma like the back of our hands, we know what sets us off, what “triggers” us. For a while, it seemed okay to just explain inappropriate reactions, reactions that might hurt people in our lives or hurt ourselves, really, which is what it all comes down to at the end of the day, by saying we were “triggered”. That’s why we said the mean thing. That’s why we couldn’t do X task. That’s why we couldn’t be around that person. That’s why! That’s why! But there comes a certain point in life where knowing your triggers just isn’t enough anymore.

You see this in relationships of all different kinds. We’re all familiar with the romantic relationship stories where one or both partners have a significant trauma in their past. Until your partner is fully healed or at least walking on a healing path, it might be slighly nerve wracking to be around them. It might not feel completely “safe” because you know that if they get "triggered” or if you do something to trigger them, they could become angry, or sad, or violent, or however they act in that fight or flight response state. At a certain point, it doesn’t even matter if you are the cause of that trauma, if you hurt them once in the past with your words or actions and now, when a similar scenario comes up, they react in a harmful way. The fact is, you’ll find yourself in a cycle of hurt, because no one deserves to bear the brunt of someone else’s trauma. It’s on us to heal. It’s on the individual to do better. Yes, recognize your trigger, but then move through it or rise above it, because at the end of the day, it’s not anyone else’s business but your own.

Parenthood has shown me this so clearly as I observe my relationship with my daughter. Motherhood has a way of revealing you. Your children will challenge everything you think you’ve kept securely hidden. Kids will push you to your limits and yet somehow, you’re supposed to continue to lead with love. You’re supposed to continue to rise above, even when they push your buttons. One thing that has really helped me in motherhood has been mindfulness. Before I speak, before I act, it’s helpful to slow down and think “Where is this emotion coming from?" or “Where are these words coming from?” “Is this something I truly believe or am I reenacting something that was done to me/ said to me as a child?” Most importantly “Am I leading with love right now?”

I can give an example from this week. I’m very sensitive to lying or feeling like someone isn’t being direct and forthcoming with me. One could say it’s a trigger for me. So one evening, I realized that my perception of reality wasn’t really matching up to something I was being told by my partner. It wasn’t a huge deal, and this is my blog not his so I won’t discuss what the discrepancy was, but by the end of the evening, I was feeling, you guessed it, triggered. I put on my interrogator hat. I started asking pointed questions. Eventually he admitted that my senses were not deceiving me. He had been holding something back, but in his mind, he was waiting for “the right time” to discuss this matter. It wasn’t so much lying to him, but he wasn’t ready to talk. Part of me understood, but the triggered and unhealed part of me wanted to… and did… Go off on him a bit more than I would have liked or was particularly proud of. Inside my head there were all of these swarming thoughts about not wanting to appear foolish, not being a silly and naive girl who could be easily deceived. But in reality, it’s unlikely that he thought any of those things. He had his own internal issue that he was working out in his own time. It’s one of those weird things about being in a long term relationship- you can’t always rush your partner to be on the same page as you because they are their own person and everyone processes life differently. My bad reaction caused by my trauma and fear of being deceived took away from his sense of emotional safety. I ended up apologizing because in the end, it didn’t matter that I was triggered. That’s my issue. That’s my work. But the minute you start projecting that onto another person, you are the problem. I had to have a moment of radical honesty with myself. Triggered does not equal a license for emotional damage.

I felt it was important to write this post because it’s part of my healing, and my wish for everyone I love to live a peaceful life that is full of love and understanding. I don’t want to get stuck on my triggers. There’s a time and place for explaining what triggered you and why so that the people you love can understand you better, and then after that place and time, with all parties having a mutual understanding of what hurts the other, we have to leave space. We have to allow for a gap. What’s in that gap? Growth. Hope. Change. Maybe a book or a youtube video that speaks to exactly what we need to hear at that time to move through the trauma and onto some greater version of ourselves. I hope this post helps someone come to a moment of radical honesty with themselves. I’m so proud of you for acknowledging your hurt, now it’s time to transmute it into something healing, something loving, something good.