Co-Parenting for the Holidays

By Deanna Clarke

The holidays are a difficult time to be going through a separation or divorce, even more so when you have children. My husband and I had been married for six years but together for 10 years. We have two beautiful daughters who are now six and nine and we are very passionate involved parents. We are at every swim class, every Tae Kwon Do class, and every test to move up a belt; some of the other parents don’t even know that we are separated.

Like most separated/ divorced people, our break up was very messy, mistakes were made but somehow some way we have gotten to a place where we have once again become civil. When things became nasty we had to check each other and remind one another that when it comes to the children we have to be a united front, and we have to create an environment where our children can flourish. 

My ex and I decided to spend the holidays together. This might not be the most conventional thing to do when you are separated or divorced, but it works for us. We are in a position where the majority of our family live approximately 1,500 miles away and it is quite expensive to buy plane tickets for 3-4 people. The one year we did fly home (separately) he took the girls to see his family for half of the day and they spent the rest of Thanksgiving with my family. But normally we end up celebrating with our girls together since we really don’t have anyone in this part of the country, and it doesn’t make sense to have separate celebrations for three people. This works great for us because we don’t hate each other. For the most part, we communicate pretty well, and we both want to spend time with the girls and they want to spend time with us.

Tips for co-parenting this holiday season:

Being honest with the children

Unfortunately when my husband and I separated my oldest was there to witness the fallout. She knew that mommy and daddy had a big fight, while our youngest slept peacefully (don't ask me how). After the dust had settled, we sat both girls down and explained that mommy and daddy were not getting along and that we wouldn’t be living together anymore.

Of course, it didn’t go over well, and I didn’t expect that to be the last conversation. They would come to me randomly cry and tell me that they missed their dad… and to be honest, it was heartbreaking.

When the very Christmas after we separated came around, I sat the girls down again, I explained to them that both their father and I love them very much, and we both wanted to spend Christmas with them. I created boundaries, I let them know that their dad would be coming over for Christmas to spend the day, and most likely to ring in the New Year with us, and asked them if that was okay, I asked them how it would make them feel. A lot of times we forget that our children are deeply affected in our decisions to break up, though the final decision is ultimately yours to make, asking them how they feel and having constant open dialogue makes a big difference on how they heal.  

Deciding who gets the children when

With that being said we have all heard holiday horror stories about custody and who gets the children for which holidays. Try to make these plans way before the holidays. I don’t know about you but I tend to be more emotional as the holidays approach. Taking time in August or early September to make those plans take a lot of stress out of having that talk, not to mention if you are traveling out of town with the children you can make those plans at that time or earlier. 

Speaking of emotion, no one really talks about the emotional toll that it takes on the parent who doesn’t get to spend Christmas with their child. You have to be honest with yourself. It’s okay to be sad, and angry about the situation; we are all human. Try surrounding yourself with family and friends if it is not your turn to spend that particular holiday with your child(ren). I’ve also considered planning a short get away as sort of a distraction, but it is never okay to use your children as a pawn to spite your ex because you are bitter … NEVER.

Agreements 

 In an effort to get through the holidays, stick to any agreement that was made beforehand. If you agreed that the kids would spend Thanksgiving with their other parent this year, don’t try to switch it up last minute (unless there is an emergency of course). 

Let go of unrealistic expectations

I had a friend who got divorced from her husband, but she was very good friends with her in-laws and even after the divorce she expected to be invited over for the holidays. While in a perfect world that would be great, it never occurred to her that, that would be an awkward situation for everyone, especially for her ex-husband who had moved on and was bringing his new girlfriend to those dinners.

It may seem like common sense to some but things change when you get divorced, it makes the most level headed people the most irrational, even more during the holidays.

If all else fails…

If it is impossible to speak to your ex, and they are unreasonable and miserable, you may just have to go through the courts, and there is nothing wrong with that! I would look into mediation. Many divorcing couples use mediation to help settle their divorce-related issues, such as support, property division, and child custody. Sometimes you need a neutral third party to figure things out. Preparing your own custody proposal prior to going to a session will be a great starting point for negotiating an actual agreement. Identify and categorize the issues that you and your ex have been fighting over, let me tell you, I’ve been to therapy and it’s easy to forget all of your talking points when you get in the room because you get wrapped up talking about one topic, and then when you leave you suddenly remember…  it happens to the best of us.

Mediation is not the place to talk about what went wrong in your relationship and who is at fault for its demise. It is a place to talk about the wellbeing of your child(ren) and your plan going forward.

I hope these tips can guide you if you are thinking about how best to co-parent during the holiday season.

Have any of you readers been through this before? If so, what are your tips?

Deanna Clarke is a Guyanese – American short story author, novelist, poet, and member of the Nonfiction Authors Association. She has work forthcoming, including Victoria’s Diary. When she’s not writing, she’s most likely polishing up on her baking skills.